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- - - - Top Secret Classification - - - - Hoop & Stickard Research, Inc. March 15, 2005 Subject: Discovery and Preliminary Study of New Civilization Esteemed Colleagues of the Academy; Recent technology in digitally enhanced magnification has created the opportunity to discover many previously unknown facts. The author of this report is a scientist in this new field, working as director of the Hoop & Stickard laboratory with the latest equipment. A few years ago, several of us were working late at night, analyzing the molecular structure of various materials, when we became hungry and decided to fix a small snack. As I was eating, I carelessly spilled part of my sandwich onto the magnification platform, which of course is a very unscientific thing to do. As I reached for a cloth to wipe away the spill, my hand accidentally bumped the 100-times enhancement switch (a recent development). Since it was already turned on, I stole a quick glance. To my absolute amazement, there before my very eyes was a whole new world: a veritable jungle filled with small, furry animals, all contained within the folds of a piece of romaine lettuce! Over the next few weeks, using the new MAD-43 Enhancer, we systematically examined thousands of other materials, all without success. Was romaine lettuce the only material that contained different worlds? I thought not.At last, in January 1997, we found another world, stranger even than the lettuce-based jungle. It exists in a dark-colored stain on a granite outcrop in the foothills of the Sierra Mountains of California. This one included real people! A whole new civilization. During the next few years, our research team conducted a careful study, bringing in outside experts from other fields as necessary. We can now also reveal the previously classified development of quantum transport equipment, which led to several expeditions by representatives of the laboratory. The information they brought back proved to be critical to the studies and we commend the bravery of these pioneers. Altogether, 84 research fellows have participated in the investigation and a great deal of credit belongs to these patient observers. The author himself has spent several thousand hours in observation and study of this civilization. This is the first official report to the Academy. Respectfully submitted,
Thagamon R. Hacker | ||||||||||||
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